Healer of my Heart- Walk With Me

It has been a long while since I have written, not for any reason other than life has just taken me on a unexpected journey of more downs than ups. If I was honest I would have to say that 2012 was probably the worst year of my life to this point- at least from my perspective although I have a feeling if I was to sit with God right now and ask why I went through what I did He would show me how my future was shaped by every experience. With each trial, disappointment, failure and setback I had to dig down deeper and trust that God had me in the palm of his hands.

I could probably write a novel about 2012, spanning from health set backs, surgeries, relationships, work and school issues that arose throughout the year. It would make for one long post, but I think instead I will focus on yet the positive aspect of it all. Which is, though I have fallen MULTIPLE times throughout the year God has never NOT been there for me to pick me up. As I think about how many times I have disappointed Him, went against His will for my life, made my own decisions and broke His heart- He still whispers to me so ever sweetly.... "You are my daughter, I will never leave you nor forsake you- I will heal your heart: Just let me in" He grace truly is sufficient. It is amazing as a human to try to grasp the whole concept of unconditional love, I mean think of the most horrendous thing a person could that you love could do to you that you see as unforgivable... but yet no matter what you would still love that person because that is who you are! That is God, full of that love no matter what. As we are made in the likeness and image of Christ, we strive daily to love people with that same love. I fail at it daily... I wish I could say I don't respond with immediate emotion to situations, whether its anxiety, anger, bitterness, resentment, pride or just pure unforgiveness- I constantly have to remind myself of how much grace God has bestowed upon me daily. I need to give that same grace and mercy daily to anyone in my life no matter what they have done to me.

As this new year starts, I have remained in prayer constantly asking God to heal my heart. To heal it of the hurts from 2012, of the bitterness towards people whom have broken me within my life. There were people that were in and out of my life quickly and for reasons that I may or may not ever understand, but I do have to remember that God has a perfect plan in everything. You know my students have recently made comments about how I choose to respond to situations in my life, whether they over hear a conversation or in a time that is acceptable for teachable moments I share an experience that I hope they will learn from they are ALWAYS surprised by how I choose to handle myself afterward. One girls says "Coach Messina- I hate that you are always so positive, I would be so mad if so-in-so did that to me". I always laugh because it is true- most people would respond differently. Yet I know myself well enough to know that if something did not turn out the way I thought it should then God has a bigger plan. God will use it ALL for Good (Romans 8:28). I know that is those situations I was 100% myself, I gave myself fully and that is all I can do- the rest is in God's hands. I trust Him to guide my paths. Though I cannot say this is easy, nor have I always had this outlook.


The bible talks about not becoming weary while doing good, but this is not a very easy concept. In the midst of all the health battles and surgeries, I easily became worn down. I became someone who questioned everything. I became someone whom I no longer recognized, and I hated myself for that. Yet once again, the fire to run back in to the arms of an everlasting God stuck with me. He was right there with me the minute I chose to turn back to him and follow His path for me. His grace and mercy are the only reasons that I am where I am today. Some of the people that I allowed in my life were toxic, others were put there for a reason. Some I wish were still a part of my life, yet I have had to accept once again that God is faithful and His plan will prevail. The small pain in my heart now will not amount to the happiness and joy that will overflow as I watch this journey unfold. God is the author of my life story, it is time for me to stop trying to walk ahead or behind him but to walk right beside him, and when times get really hard I need to allow him to carry me through the storms. This song I have been recently spending alot of time listening to during my worship times is called "Walk with me" from Jesus Culture.... I love the lyrics...

 "Author of World- Walk with me, Ruler of the earth, walk with me. Calmer of the storm walk with me, Healer of my heart, walk with me- How I need you Jesus, How I love you Jesus. In your Presence there is peace, there is rest. In your presence there is light that never ends. In Your Presence there is JOY" This song speaks volumes to me in my life right now. I will continue to ask Him to walk with me daily as he is will never leave me nor forsake me. My hope is in Him. He will heal my heart and make it whole no matter the circumstance. I am forever grateful for a God who loves me so much!

Another thing I am reminded of as I enter this new year is how I need to start seeing myself through the eyes of Christ. It is so easy as woman for us to look for flaws especially within our appearance. I will do that sometimes, although I have always been confident in myself as a woman, I have sometimes struggled with comparison to other woman, whether in appearance, talents, skills etc- I sometimes think I am not "good enough". But then I am reminded that when I think that or say that I am insulting God's creation. He made me who I am! I read this recently in a book I am reading.... I wrote it on a post it note on my computer to remind myself everyday...

"I am a daughter of God, a Holy Princess, a woman created with strength that I have yet to fully grasp and there is a story that is still being written by the divine Author Himself. He has bigger plans for me than I could ever imagine. Need to rest in His arms of grace. It is time I start seeing how amazing I am in His eyes. I am ENOUGH, I am WANTED, I am BEAUTIFUL, I am CHOSEN and I am CALLED"

The scripture below will forever be what keeps me going.... This reminds me everyday that God is not done with me. My purpose in life is to live for Him. Whether I am single or married with kids, my purpose will not change. He is the center of my life the one that I can never lose. He is the not only the healer of my heart in my times of doubt and struggles, but He is the lover of my soul- He has me in his hands. In Him- I will forgive those whom have hurt me, forgive myself for choices I have made, and I will press forward to the path in which He has set forth in front of me.

I welcome 2013 with open arms and a receptive heart. I will leave that which is behind me and look forward to that which is in front me! God I am ready! Bring it :)

"I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11 

Plan and Purpose

"... But you're here. You're real, I know I can trust You
Even when it hurts, even when its hard, even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You, Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul, Healer of my scars, You Steady my Heart!
I am not going to worry, I know that You've got me
Right inside the palm of Your hand, Each and every moment
What's good and what get broken, Happens just the way you plan..."


This song has been stuck in my head since I first heard it! With 2012 going in full force, I have spent the last month really just pressing into God and diving into His word. Towards the end of 2011 I asked God to really uproot and bring to fruition anything that was in me that was not planted by Him. I surrendered my everything to Him allowing the Holy Spirit to really speak wisdom to my life and that I may have open ears to receive it. I really had a huge desire to learn the true meaning of "dying to myself " and living for Christ. 


I know that each and every step of my life has been God ordained. I know that He purposes and wills for my life to prosper. There are times when life's circumstances can mess with your mind and make you waiver from that faith. I started 2012 with a fast along with my church. Fasting facebook for a month, and spending that extra time in prayer and seeking God's guidance. I also fasted meat for about 25 days, as that was something I felt challenged to do back in November. The first few weeks I was getting little bits and pieces from God but nothing concrete. I spent a lot of time in prayer asking God to reveal what 2012 was about for me, and He gave me the most clear picture ever. God started to give me a new perspective, His perspective. He was opening my eyes to thing that I was blinded to before, showing me areas where I was holding bitterness and resentment. He has called me to forgive these particular people as God forgives us daily of our trespasses. He showed me that no matter what every person is a Child of God and that His love for them is unconditional. I began to desire to LOVE people in that same manner.

Physically during this time I was dealing with many issues. I was getting so frustrated as the my health has not been where I would expect it to be for about 5 months. I kept praying and praying and remembering God's promises.

Jeremiah 29:11 
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, say the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope" 

Romans 8:28
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose"

He gives me complete peace and hope that all things will work together for His good. I am reminded that it is all in His purpose and plan.  He is my ultimate provider and healer. I continued to press into Him and surrender myself to Him more and more even though my trials and tests became bigger both at Home and work. The Holy Spirit continued to push me to keep the faith to not grow weary and reminded me NOT to grow weary!

At that moment I was introduced to a new song from a favorite artist and the words HIT me like a done of bricks.

"Trouble chasing me again, breaking down my best defense, I'm looking, God I'm looking for you.
Weary just won't let me rest and fear is filling up my head, I'm longing, God I'm longing for you
But I will, FIND you in the place I'm in, FIND you when I'm at my end, FIND you when there's NOTHING left of me to offer you except for brokenness. You life me up, You never leave me thirsty. When I am weak, When I am lost and searching I find you on my KNEES" 


I am seeking Him no matter where I am with my circumstances. I will FIND Him there is no doubt.
I am not sure what God is doing at this moment in my life, but I know He is moving deep within me to seek Him more and more. Revealing that 2012 is a year of discipline, to not give up when things are hard and to continuously remember that God has a plan and purpose for everything that happens. It will all go according to HIS perfect plan.

I may not always know what he is doing but I have to completely trust in His promises. As I was reading His word this past week, I was in Genesis 50 after Jacob had passed, Joseph's brothers in Verse 15 state that "Perhaps Joseph will hate us, and may actually repay us for the evil which we did to Him"
Joseph's response really stuck with me. In Verse 19 "Do not be afraid, for am I in the place of God? But as for you, you meant evil against me: but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is to this day, to save many people alive"


I love that Joseph knew he had to experience what He did to get to where God needed him so he could be used for His purpose and plan.

I only pray that I can remember that no matter my circumstance or trial. God has his hand on my life. I know it is ALL for the glory of HIM. I will stay true and steadfast in my faith and trust God has it all under control. I knowing that He has my life in the palm of His hand, I cannot help but SMILE and press on!

I challenge you to do the same!


In Christ
KristiLee

Heart of Thankfulness. Unfailing Love.

There are no words to REALLY and TRULY express what my heart feels like lately. God has been doing some amazing things in my life.

Ever wonder where life is taking you? Cause I do EVERY DAY. I don't question what God is doing, I just wonder sometimes where He is taking me, and what He has planned. Although I enjoy the journey I sometimes wish I just knew how it all turned out. Even in those times that I do want to know it all, I am constantly reminded that why would I need "faith" if God told me it all before it happened? I just need to remember to trust in His perfect plan! It's not always about knowing what will happen tomorrow but trusting Him for the blessings of today!

I have come to realize more about my personality and myself lately. I am the type of person that always wants to know WHY certain things happen, and have a complete understanding for the reasons people do or say the things they do. If I know and have understanding then I seem to be okay, but the minute I am confused or do not know why certain things are happening I go into panic mode!

Lately, I have had some things happen where the Holy Spirit will speak to me about something and I have no idea why I need that information, but I receive it and go on with life. Then within a few weeks, I get the answer to why I needed to know what He revealed to me in my spirit. It's like I get this realization that God is teaching me to be more aware of when He is speaking to me. Little by little I am becoming more aware of His voice.

Even with all the crazy questions that come up in my mind and heart daily, I love where I am in life right now with God, although I am constantly craving more. Which I think will ALWAYS be the case. My heart is burning with a continued desire to know Him MORE and MORE everyday! I know I should not be surprised by His continued faithfulness in my life but I am. I am in AWE of how amazing He is! A life that is continuously blessed beyond belief, one that takes me on a journey that is completely God-led. I would not want it any other way. How could one NOT want a God-Led life with the creator of ALL things, the reason I am where I am today is because of HIM!

A few days ago while reading a devotion I was given this summer, God gave me EXACTLY what I needed.

“Rest in the deep assurance of My unfailing Love. Let your body, mind, and spirit relax in My Presence. Release into My care anything that is troubling you, so that you can focus your full attention on Me. Be awed by the vast dimensions of My Love for you: wider, longer, higher, and deeper than anything you know. Rejoice that this marvelous Love is yours forever! The best response to this glorious gift is a life steeped in thankfulness. Every time you thank Me, you acknowledge that I am you Lord and Provider. This is the proper stance for a child of God: receiving with thanksgiving. Bring Me the sacrifice of gratitude, and watch to see how much I bless you”

I will rest in His love, through all the trials and tribulations. I am thankful to know such a loving heavenly father. He provides for me in more ways than I could ever imagine!! Right now in my current life’s dilemma He has given me PEACE, that peace that surpasses all understanding. I constantly talk to Him wanting to know what He is doing in my heart, why do I feel the way I do about certain situations? Is this of Him? If not take away the desire PLEASE! Pull out EVERY root that is planted within me that is NOT from You God! Reveal to me the things that are not of you that I may dispose of them and replace them with YOUR desires! I have prayed over and over that God would show me what it is that He is doing in my life right now… and as I bowed my head and with my hands to my face catching the tears, God whispered so sweetly “Patience my child, Patience”.. at that moment I looked up and on my wall at work I see a scripture that my student added (to my current wall of index card scriptures) on it said “You do not understand what I am doing now, But you WILL” John 13:7. I come to find out that she had put that there two-days before then! God knew what I needed when I needed it. No matter what the turn out is of my hearts dilemma I know that I sought God every step of the way. I may not currently understand, but as He says I will! It may not turn out the way I expect but God’s best is always better than anything I could imagine for myself.

So for now I will soak in His unfailing Love. I will thank Him daily for the blessings bestowed to me in my life. I will be forever indebted to this unconditional love that He displays daily. As I continue to fail at certain things in life, I will continue to pick myself back up and with His help I will be victorious. All that matters is His will and purpose for my life. Thankfulness will RULE my heart. Marvelous things will happen, scales will fall off my eyes enabling me to see more and more of His glorious riches. I will be centering my entire being in Him, enjoying an ABUNDANT life by overflowing with praise and thankfulness.

Enter into His gates with thanksgiving and a thank offering and into His courts with Praise! Be thankful and say so to Him, bless and affectionately praise His name! For the Lord is good; His mercy and loving-kindness are everlasting, His faithfulness and truth endure to all generations” Psalm 100:4-5

LIFE

Alot of my recent situations have been a true test of faith, and as I recently posted God has been completely faithful in ALL of them.

I recently have just thinking and pondering on my LIFE. I see where I am now compared to where I was and I thank God for being the head of the my life. Things at work are starting to become more routine as I adjust to all the changes. I struggle with different things that I expected, and I am able to catch on to other things easier so it is all coming along slowly but surely.

I am recovering slowly from my short hospital stay! I have an MRI next week to make sure all is well in the tendons and no surgery is required! Praying for positive outcome there. I am almost done with my antibiotics, and I am getting back on my workout regiment! Getting ready to go for a hike in a few and just spend sometime talking to God, thanking Him for all He has done. I need some alone time every now and then, and although its 107 degrees outside, I think the Hike will be good for me. I also think I have found a good church to attend! I did not get the same experience I got when I went to Victory Church, but there is something about this church that sparks a joy within me, so for now I'll be attending there until God directs me otherwise. I am excited to start plugging in and getting involved and allowing God to shine through me! :)

Anyway, I know this is not AMAZING stuff lol, but it is what is happening now :) Life is good, and God is GREAT! Football is in full force and I am excited to see where this year takes me!

In Christ with Love... KristiLee

Inviting Jesus into your Chaos.

Amazing the way life turns out so differently from what your mind had imagined, and so much BETTER than one could ever fathom.

There are no words to describe the faithfulness of God in my entire life and especially within the last few years as I have allowed Him to lead each and every step. I have been bad about keeping up with this blog, but I vow to be better at it from here on out! :) God constantly places things on my heart to share, and I will often just tell myself I'll get to it later and I NEVER do.. shows me I need to do what I am told because I never know the hearts that can be reached for HIS glory through mere words.

So almost a year ago to the day Pastor Mike and Janet Burns of Victory Church in Canton Texas did a sermon entitled "Inviting Jesus into your Choas.." I listened very intently and wrote pages and pages of notes. I was just enamored with what they were saying. Using Mark 4:35-41 as reference about the storm and the boat. In short, they explained that we had to allow Jesus to work in our lives both in the bad and the good. We often hear about one door closing and another door opening. We forget that there is usually a "hallway" of some sort that we walk through to get to that open door. We have to have to allow God to work in those interim periods when we go through unexpected situations.

Over the course of the year, this sermon has constantly been on my heart. God constantly reminds me that it is only through HIM that I can be victorious in my "chaos". God has impressed on my heart in recent years to look in to scripture on my own, and not base my beliefs off of what "my pastor" or "my parents" may have told me about God but to really dig deep and find what the WORD said was truth. I grew up thinking that in faith we are not supposed to go through anything such as adversities and struggles, BUT God says that our faith will be tested, HE is there to bring us through it.

Going through Mark 4:35-41 We see a few things:

1. Jesus sees the beginning and the end and will fulfill it

2. God is in the chaos (does not cause it) yet is not bothered by it (STORM)

3. Invited Jesus into the chaos with them

4. In your chaos do not be afraid, do NOT let your fear overcome you

a. stay in your boat during the storm- i.e. stay in your relationship with Christ

b. CALL on HIM! Allow Him to be there

c. When He comes to help, allow Him to do what He knows how to do LET Him do it

Throughout the last few months, I have had many times of my faith being "tested" I have experienced times in the "hallway" where I wanted to RUN to the open door if only I knew what it was at the time. God's faithfulness in those times though showed itself as I allowed Him to work in me through those times.

Its hard to believe that I applied to 36 jobs through May- I prayed over EACH one that I go where He wanted me to be. I got job #36

I had NO income from May 27- September 9 : yet I have been provided for exceedingly above what I could have EVER imagined!

I financially could not afford to move near the new job.. yet I was provided with a 3 bedroom house to stay at with the grace to pay her when I could!! (and I did not even know her!)

The new job required some unexpected certifications and financial commitments that were hard, but that God made possible through other avenues!

Within two weeks of starting the job, I landed in the hospital with an unexpected infection in my hand- being told that I would not be able to do my job for a few weeks (fully functional at least) yet God has placed people in my life that supported me, prayed for me and have invited me into an atmosphere that I am completely and utterly provided and cared for!

His faithfulness never ceases to AMAZE me! And to top it all off, I have prayed for over a year for a new laptop, and each time I believe I am going to buy one I DONT. I wait and wait and wait.. well I know why now! I went to a new teacher breakfast the other day and WON a new laptop ... !!! YES I WON, just had the right ticket in hand for the laptop! :)

Through all this, God continues to spark this fire within me to reach out and grab what He has to offer through His word. I want the TRUTH! I do not claim to know it all, I am but a daughter of the MOST HIGH GOD who is seeking to know Him more and more daily.

My journey is NOT even close to being over. I pray to reach the lives of any youth aged female or ANYONE for that matter for the glory of God. He is the ONLY reason I am where I am today. The journey here has not been easy, but I have come to realize that by inviting Jesus into my everyday life, both the chaos and celebrations I will always be victorious in the end. Just like in Romans 8:28.. ALL things work together for GOOD :)

With the new beginnings at the new job, new city, new church, new friends, new relationships I vow to invite Jesus into EVERY aspect of my life no matter the situation or circumstance and I challenge you to do the same! Trust in Him! Believe me when I say that you will NOT be disappointed.

Faithfulness

So i know its been a LONG while since I have written in here. Life has come at me from every direction.. yet God has been so faithful. I spent alot of time writing in my personal journal at home but felt it was time for me to get back to this blog.

Lately, alot has been on my mind. Life really knows how to take you on a journey of unexpected twists and turns, and without God at my side I am not sure where I would be. God is the reason I have made it through the difficult times. He has been my provider and protector.. he has been faithful.

1 Thessolonians 5:24 "He who calls you is faithful..." God is faithful ALWAYS.
we sing this song at church called You are Faithful by Jesus Culture..

The bridge says

"Your spirit inside me holds me close,
in your wonderful presence I let go.
I cleanse my hands, you burn my heart.
I cry out for love, you set me apart"

This is me. I know he hold me close! I love the burn in my heart for him that grows daily.. and I know he sets me apart. This speaks wonders to me.

Those who know me know that I can get ahead of myself out of excitement and I somtimes do not always wait for God to completely guide me.. I sort of speak JUMP the gun. I get so excited about things that I know God has planned for me, I do not wait and allow him to guide me through the journey. I have done that often recently. I know there are things that God has called me to, and I know the ministry in which I am led to do, but I do not always get the timing right.

This next year in my last year at my current job and I move on. Where .. is a mystery that has yet to be fully revealed to me by God, but I am often reminded of the faithfulness of God. I at one point thought for sure that I was headed in one direction next year, but as I continue to pray in the Spirit and study I got a clear "wait for me". God spoke to me in a way that was so gentle and caring. Like a father telling his daughter to slow down and not run so far ahead of him. I get anxious and I do not wanna mess up what God has planned for me, but our speaker at church last weekend, talked about how God had a plan for EVERYONE. So that plan will always be there, and its up to us to allow God to help us to fulfill. I have fully surrendered myself to the work of the Lord, so whether I teach, or do athletic training, nursing, go into missions or attend bible school I will do it with Him leading the way. God is faithful and he will complete in me what he has started. My job is not to take the lead, but to FOLLOW.

I am often reminded of his continued faithfulness in my life especially in the last 6 months. It has been the most trying time of my life, hit with attack after attack of the enemy. But the bible talks in Deuteronomy 28:7 says:

"The Lord your God shall cause your enemies who rise up against you to be defeated before your face..."

I am ready and prepared to live for him. But I have to constantly remind myself that no matter the circumstance or what my MIND is telling me, He is ALWAYS faithful. I praise God for that. He is here with me. I am on my way to living my life as He has planned and life could NEVER be better. I am looking forward to my future :) wherever that may be!

LOVE your enemies

Matthew 5: 43-44 "You have heard it said before 'love your neighbor and hate your enemy'. But I tell you: 'Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you"

Wow those words have been resounding in my head since sunday afternoon. I feel like God is constantly reminding me that I need to LOVE more, and not only LOVE the people I get along with but even those that I have so much trouble getting along with.

Most know, i am actually a VERY easy going person and get along with many people. But I like to build relationships, i do not just want small aquaintences, but lifelong friendships. I know who I am in Christ, and I went to a 4 year Christian Unviersity. I have been around Christians consistantly for over 10 years. This time of my life is a real test of how much my relationship with Christ has grown.

I am around people DAILY who may not be Christians, I am not here to judge that is not my job. I am supposed to be who I am and lead an example of the life that Christ allows me to live. Yet, I sometimes feel I'm on my own out there.

Galations 1:10 states "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of God"

Why do I care so much if my co-workers like me or people that I am with daily? If I am living and doing the things of God, then I know He will provide people in my life that will accept me for me. But then there are the situations that arise, and I am NOT an angry person, but a part of me WANTS to be angry. And right when I wanna lash out and speak my mind... God whispers to me the simple statement "Love your enemies" and over different situations the past two days, he reminds me of this commandment. I had every opportunity to respond with some harsh words of anger, yet before i could get them off my fingers into the phone, God just spoke my name softly... kinda like my dad would when he knew not very nice words were about to come out of my mouth lol. So i swallowed my proud, and responded with kindness. I cannot allow the Devil to win. I will remain joyous in Christ.

I am not here on earth to please man. I am here to do God's purpose for my life. I am also not hear to judge. I will live my life accordingly, and believe that God has everything undercontrol.

God still has ALOT of work to do with me. Especially on my heart. And I know in due time it will be just fine, but until then and even after then, I am ALL HIS. I will be fully CONSUMED by Him and his word. No man will be able to lead me astray from anything He has in store for me.

I look forward to this breakthrough! I know that God will come through for me, and I will choose to live in expectancy! My God will provide for me. I wanna shine for Him, I wanna be used in this world for His greater Good. It goes back to my last blog, of being more transparent for Him.

:)