I start this blog with a desire to continue to grow in the Lord daily. God has been changing me. With every second of every day, my heart continues to grow. Writing HELPS me to express my heart more clearly...
Today I came to thinking about my journey in life over the past 5 years. From California, to Illinois, to Texas. I am not even close to the same person I was when I was 18. God was but a mere essence, something that was in my life, but not SOMEONE who walked everystep with me, who I approached with every decision whether small or big. I learned while being at ONU, that life by yourself is NOT simple, only with God am I able to accomplish my purpose in life. I have had many moments in the last 5 years where I have asked God "Where do you want me, what do you want me to do?" Yet I did not wait for the answer.. I did things the "Kristi" way.
Makes me really understand the question my dad used to always ask me.. "Kristi, how do you turn around in the world of yours"- Though he ALWAYS had a sarcastic tone and smirk on his face as he said it- I started thinking. It's so true! How did my life become so much about ME???
Through this journey though, God has been teaching me! Through all my trials and tribulations- He has shown me that my focus needs to be on HIM and nothing more. With Him all things ARE possible!
Moving to Texas has been a HUGE learning experience for me. I was a little timid about everything at first, yet extremely excited about this new journey. My relationship with God was tremondously increasing. I had been blessed to spend the summer living with my best friend and her parents-who happened to be the Pastors of the church I was attending. I had been attending that church for about 8 months when I moved to Texas. I was so concerned about finding a church that I would grown and learn at as much as I had at this one, yet when moving God gave me this internal peace that He had a plan and a place where He was gonna use me. And man oh man has he come through! First 3-4 months here were so difficult. I called home crying one time because I had yet to make any friends. I am a people person I ALWAYS have friends, yet here out of my element a city girl stuck in a very very small podunk town I was at a loss for words and began to debate in my mind whether moving was the right thing. I spent weeks praying to God about finding the right church, I settled for one that seemed to be ok for the moment, but never felt it was "the one".
Through this rough time though, I should have known better than to let my CIRCUMSTANCE get the best of me! I let up on the praying, I was not reading my Word as much. I even stopped attending church for about 2 weeks (which is really long for me). I met a guy, who said all the right things, was a Christian (so he SAID, actions were COMPLETELY different). I allowed myself to get emotionally attached. I settled for less than what I knew God had in store for me, and actually convinced myself that God had sent me this friend. But I got a call one day from my grandma, and she said something to me, "the devil is not gonna put someone in your life that would make it obvious that its not OF God, he will try to decieve you in every way" Meaning just cause this person seems nice, and on the outside all is good and dandy, does NOT mean he is from God. This is where discernment comes in. Which is where i FAILED. I had lost part of that relationship with God at the time. I had become weary and instead of enduring and leaning on God, I allowed this outside relationship to suffice me for the time. But God had other plans for me! And each time I think about it, I thank HIM for His mercy and grace. Lo and behold.. this guy turns out to be the complete opposite of everything he had once "said" I was finally able to remove the blinders (due to being taken out of the situation and getting an outside look-thanks tammy b.) and see it for what it REALLY was. Which was wrong for me. God had not sent this guy my way. I had justified it all in my head, which DOESNT make it right.
Wallowing in my own sorrow. I was hurt. mad. anger. emotional. and downright disgusted both at myself and the guy for how it all ended. But I pushed and sought after the one thing I KNEW wouldnt deceive me but would LOVE me:GOD. And He began to open doors. Around this time, I got an email about a church that was 30 mins from me. I called got some information on it and just knew this was "the place" for me to be. God had made it stand out like a sore thumb! When I walked in for my first sunday service, I could just feel the LOVE pouring out of these people. So geniune and caring. I felt at home immediately. I started to make friends. God just continued to put people in my life, to show me that there was MORE to life than what I had been living. That the last 2.5 months - I had wasted on my own agenda. But that was ALL I needed to look up and ask God forgiveness.. knowing good and well He has cast it ALL out as far as the EAST is from the WEST :) From that point on I have continued to grow. My relationship with Christ is STRONGER than ever. I cannot even picture the girl I was a few months ago. My focus recently in my walk with Christ- has been about LESS OF ME and MORE OF HIM. I want MORE of Him. Life is not about me and what I want, but about CHRIST and what He wants for me.
2010- Has already been an amazing year. I have been reading and praying DAILY. Pastor has been speaking on the "bible" and its importance and how it pertains to our daily life. I read the bible through as a child and am doing it again now. I am reading not as just a STORY of historical events, but as if I was there myself seeing this ALL happen and take place. Its just captivating. God is such an AWESOME LOVING God. I participated in the 21 day fast, which help to see some priority flaws I have- and through that time God has revealed to me things that I NEVER could see myself doing.
I remember as a little girl thinking I would NEVER do missions. I was too finicky or picky. But then again i was all about ME. But I surrendered myself to the Lord. I prayed that I would DO anything and GO anywhere. I am here with an OPEN heart and ears I want to do His will. Whether it is in the job I am doing now (athletic Training) or not I want HIS will for my life. He has changed my heart into a direction that I could have NEVER imagined myself. I am praying and seeking His guidance in doing a few short term missions trips He has placed on my heart for this summer. And embarking on a long-term 11-month one after my contract is up at work possibly August/September 2011. But I am taking it all day by day, knowing that I am ALL His. Surrendering myself to Him COMPLETELY. I cannot fathom the life he will have for me, but I know it is BIG and I look forward to continuing to grow.
Who would have thought that most of my growing would be in the months following graduation? Ha. Life overall is GREAT. God is the love of my life, and I could not imagine it any other way. My focus is solely on Him. Though daily I struggle with distractions, the Holy Spirit is in me to help keep me grounded. NOTHING SHALL SEPARATE ME from Him. All my hearts desires, will come to pass in His timing. I am trusting in Him, knowing full and well that I am in teh best hands. He is and always will be my number #1.
So Dear God...
Continue to be with me as I embark upon this journey you have placed on my heart. I expect to be stretched, I expect to be challenged, yet I know with every tear and every laugh you will be with me. With each passing day Lord, I thank you for this precious life you have blessed me with. I am PRESSING into Faith and looking forward to what is to come to pass in my life. I LOVE YOU :)
In Jesus Name AMEN <3
